Women, Bullying & Sabotage ... Oh My!

Twenty-two years ago, I released the first study on do and why women undermine other women. Since then, nine studies have been completed.

Do women undermine and stabotage other women?
Are women bullies?
Do women create and handle conflict differently than men do?
Do women undermine their own gender more than they do men?
Is there a difference in a female dominated workplace than a gender integrated workplace in sabotaging behavior?

The answers are all YES.

When Woman to Woman: From Sabotage to Support was published in 1987, critics (and women's magazines) were outraged that I would dare write, and say, that women weren't too kind to their own gender. And then the stories from viewers, listeners and readers poured in. It was lethal out there. And to think, the book almost didn't happen.

Rejected by dozens of publishers--the common comment was that "this" doesn't happen; some even accused me of making up the stats. Publishing is a female dominated workplace... I was holding a mirror up in front of the editors!

An article in the NY Times on Sunday, May 9, 2009 addressed some of the current chatterings on the topic. As if it was all new, never addressed before. As the pioneer or the work, who has closely followed it for two decades now and regularly publishes on the topic, I found it interesting that the Times writer didn't dig up and cite any of the original work on the topic. As a researcher, it's always smart to have a benchmark.

Fast forward 20 years. No change, more pain, still denial. The latest study that included 3000 plus respondents reports that sabotage and abusive/bullying behavior has increased significantly in the past 5 years. 56% of the repondents said it had; 25% said it hadn't; and 19% weren't sure.

Until women, and men, and the workplace acknowledges the issues that the bad girls (and boys) create in the workplace, undermining, bullying and sabotage will continue to breed. The costs are multiple---stress, lower productivity, people quit. Are there solutions? You bet.

Most recent book released: Stabotage! How to Deal with the Pit Bulls, Skunks, Snakes, Scorpions & Slugs in the Health Care Workplace. Even though the stories are about healthcare, the solutions are between the covers!

They start with commiting to confront the culprit. Use my CarefrontingScript... it works!

Money Smarts for Turbulent Times

I received a call from the owner of one of my books a few weeks ago. She wanted me to know that she was just fine, thank you. Two years ago, she purchased a copy of Money Smarts and followed it to a tee. Most of her money was in cash and would stay there for awhile. She thanked me for my advice.

There was nothing fancy about the book, just the basics. And that's what we all need with this tornado financial environment that we are all treading water to stay on top.

When 401(k)s have become 101(k)s, if that; when people are see their life savings vaporize; and when the nest egg of the home value has become a rotting mess of twigs it means major regrouping.

I've gone back to the writing desk to do a revision on Money Smarts. The new title is Money Smarts for Turbulent Times and will be available in June. Still the common sense of it's predecesor but brought current with what's unraveled since the fall of 2008.

When finances are shaky, it's not the time to take changes. Cash is king. Even when the stock market gets roots, make sure they are solid before you jump in.

It's About Doing Right vs Doing Political

I'm amazed with the total lack of Christmas cards being mailed out this year ... to date, I've received less than 10 vs. previously years of 100s. People are cutting back; using email for greetings. Yes, I miss some of the beauties, and funnies, but let's be real ... tis a lot of money that goes down the shoot for a few seconds/minutes of enjoyment... why not make a phone call and really connect?

For the second year now, I've just mailed a few with notes. Otherwise, I've joined the practical crowd.

Which means that we will probably see mail rates go up again next year... more of us are doing Internet mailing and bill paying ... the USPS continues to solicit all the junk mail that most of us don't want, or need. The rationale is that it covers their expenses.

Seems to me that the Post Office should cut back as well ... skip Saturday deliveries--there's no doubt in my mind that there's a lot of fat that could be trimmed ... and hasn't the public been subsidizing this for years?

Bailing out ... all the hearings that the auto industry is going through and that the financial group didn't when they got $700 billion ... and just how has that $700 billion helped Sam and Samantha Public????

Color me simple, but I shake my head when I see/hear the bozos in "leadership" fingerpointing at the auto execs (not that they shouldn't be notched down for lots, including the "vision thing") when they, Congress, rubber-stamped just about everything the current Administration wanted over the past eight years--now what's the National Debt--isn't there a difference between TRILLIONS and BILLIONS?

I think so. Congress is the pot calling the kettle black. Get real, get practical, do the right thing instead of the political thing.

It's About the Trashy Media Ploys

This week, the media is all abuzz about the "alleged" corrupt Governor of IL and his exploits to "sell" the Senate seat recently vacated by President-Elect Obama. Fair enough.

What is outrageous is all the air time devoted to what did Obama know/do, etc. during the Governor's strategies of replacing him. Obama has basically said that the Govenor should resign, or get the boot. Good idea.

What he also said was that he needs to withhold any further comments because there is an indictment in play against the Governor. The prosecutors publicly state that Obama has zip to do with this ... just that it's his former Senate seat that's in play. Believe them until they say otherwise.

So stop the nonsense. Media needs to get smart and use some common sense. Let the facts come out. There's a legal track in play. Stop using the ridiculous ploy ---when did you stop beating your wife? with Obama.

Obama is dealing with an incredible mess that Bush is leaving... he's more ahead than any President-Elect that I can remember in planning and strategizing... and working on cleaning up. Instead of the outrageous love-fest that ABC's Charles Gibson did with Bush a week ago, why not focus on all the screw-ups of Bush, including the deaths of so many of our men and women in his Iraqi Foley?

The Governor sounds like trash, a modern type of Tony Soprano, maybe without the whack jobs. That makes sense. Get the boot out.

Who You Gonna Vote For?

I would never vote for anyone who tries to get the local librarian to ban books that she, Sarah Palin, doesn't like passages in and then attempts to get the librarian fired; I would never vote for anyone that says that God tells her what to do a la the idiot Bush; I would never vote for anyone who would not support a woman's choice on what to do with her body; I would never vote for anyone who is openly supported by the Evangelical right with their myopic mission; I would never support anyone who pooh-poohs that value of sex education, etc, etc, etc,

Sarah Palin is a shrewd small town politician with big dreams... she's getting them... and I don't think she much cares about her family if they get beaten down in the pathway to reach for them. This woman isn't squeaky clean and there are lots of questions, valid questions about her.

To me, she's a Trojan Horse, a Pit Bull with Lipstick and a Zealot.... the last thing this country needs is more right wing, religious and self-serving models... hasn't anyone learned their lessons with Cheney and Bush?

Pallin's a Trojan Horse

I've been off the blog path for several months. A new book to finish (Stabotage! How to Deal with the Pit Bulls, Skunks, Snakes, Scorpions & Slugs in the Health Care Workplace--availabe late September 2008) and glued to the TV watching the November elections unfold.
With the Democratic Party finishing their big party, the GOP is set to go ... with McCain announcing his candidate from far out right field.
Let's talk about the Hillary supporters. She lost. Get over it. She was outcampaigned and outsmarted from the get-go. Text City won. Why any woman would say/broadcast and be stupid enough to be sucked into doing an ad that aired in prime time during the DNC supporting John McCain is truly beyond my comprehension. Her ignorance and stupidity is beyond belief.
Let's look at why 18 million voted for Hillary Clinton. It's about Positions and Politics and Experience and Vision and Leadership--all should be at the top of the list. Having internal plumbing, an off the wall sense of humor and preference for pant suits should have zip to do with it.
Now, if I felt that all things were truly equal and it was a tie, I would go with the woman because I would like to see a woman as President.
Barack Obama has positions, is a political animal, his experience is diffenent than Hillary's, has tons of vision and leadership. With Hillary, people either love her or hate her. With Barack, people either love him or don't know him. I've heard few say they hate him... although I've heard plenty cite the untrue emails that circulate--they are just ignorant for not checking them out. Hillary lost. Get over it.
Obama supports all the key issues that Hillary Clinton did/does. John McCain, and certainly the woman he selected to be the substitute "woman's voice" is the furthest thing from anything that Clinton or Obama envision. Yep, she's got internal plumbing... and understand this: she's a trojan horse.
If any woman or any man who supported Hillary Clinton votes the McCain ticket, they deserve the public stoning they should get. How dare they throw their candidate's belief in the gutter because they didn't get their way? Boo-hoo. Unfortunately, if the McCain ticket prevails with the assist of the misguided, we are in deep, deep trouble.
The Clinton's, however much they coveted the Oval Office again, must do everything in their power to support the Obama team. Their "misguided" need their tushes booted to a wake-up call before 3 AM ever gets the chance.

The Women Take ...

I've been off the blog path for several months. A new book to finish (Stabotage! How to Deal with the Pit Bulls, Skunks, Snakes, Scorpions & Slugs in the Health Care Workplace--availabe late September 2008) and glued to the TV watching the November elections unfold.

With the Democratic Party finishing their big party, the GOP is set to go ... with McCain announcing his candidate from far out right field.

Let's talk about the Hillary supporters. She lost. Get over it. She was outcampaigned and outsmarted from the get-go. Text City won. Why any woman would say/broadcast and be stupid enough to be sucked into doing an ad that aired in prime time during the DNC supporting John McCain is truly beyond my comprehension. Her ignorance and stupidity is beyond belief.

Let's look at why 18 million voted for Hillary Clinton. It's about Positions and Politics and Experience and Vision and Leadership--all should be at the top of the list. Having internal plumbing, an off the wall sense of humor and preference for pant suits should have zip to do with it.

Now, if I felt that all things were truly equal and it was a tie, I would go with the woman because I would like to see a woman as President.

Barack Obama has positions, is a political animal, his experience is diffenent than Hillary's, has tons of vision and leadership. With Hillary, people either love her or hate her. With Barack, people either love him or don't know him. I've heard few say they hate him... although I've heard plenty cite the untrue emails that circulate--they are just ignorant for not checking them out. Hillary lost. Get over it.

Obama supports all the key issues that Hillary Clinton did/does. John McCain, and certainly the woman he selected to be the substitute "woman's voice" is the furthest thing from anything that Clinton or Obama envision. Yep, she's got internal plumbing... and understand this: she's a trojan horse.

If any woman or any man who supported Hillary Clinton votes the McCain ticket, they deserve the public stoning they should get. How dare they throw their candidate's belief in the gutter because they didn't get their way? Boo-hoo. Unfortunately, if the McCain ticket prevails with the assist of the misguided, we are in deep, deep trouble.

The Clinton's, however much they coveted the Oval Office again, must do everything in their power to support the Obama team. Their "misguided" need their tushes booted to a wake-up call before 3 AM ever gets the chance.

It's About Rules ... the Unwritten Ones

There’s a classic scene in the movie, A League of Their Own, when manager Tom Hanks sees one of his outfielders approaching the dugout and she’s crying. He says (actually yells), “Crying?! There’s no crying in baseball!”

Hmmm … now where would that be in the player’s policy manual? It’s not. Our outfielder has been hit with one of the deal breakers of the workplace—the unwritten rules. How was she to know that there was no crying … unless someone told her about it?

The unwritten rules reveal the true culture of a workplace. It’s how people treat each other, work with each other, play games—good and not-so-good—with each other.

It's the one hundred plus unwritten rules that can destroy your working relationships and your work environment.

Recently, I was giving a speech for a group within a hospital association at its annual meeting. One of the unwritten rules that surfaced during the exercise I do to reveal them was that if you have to see Sister, don’t wear red! Truth be told, the good Sister has taken quite a disliking to the color red. If you want/need something from her, don’t go bearing red. If she sees it, you are discounted, almost become invisible. It’s that simple.

You may think that it’s no big deal, but for Sister it is. And, if you had any savvy, you would have done your homework and known that it was a button-pusher for her. It’s her unwritten rule. Don’t wear red. Wouldn't it have been nice if someone had told you of her strong dislike?

Unwritten Rules Are Everywhere
What other button pushers do you know about? Have you even been in a situation that you thought or said, “Why didn’t someone tell me about that?”

Every workplace has them. Sometimes there are different rules for different status, length of employment, even who you are aligned with! Some seem silly—avoid red; some seem petty—don’t use Bertha’s pen; some seem like commonsense—if you use the last one, replace it.

Think of your workplace—do you work solo or with others? Do you have a kitchen or a coffee room; is there a break room; what about people—who else do you interact with; how do people communicate with each other—with clients/customers; do meetings start on time; do people routinely come in late or leave early; who reorders stuff and how do they know; are there certain vendors to use (or to avoid); is there someone everyone should avoid; do people dress a certain way; how do you interact with your boss or his superior; is there a type of caste system where you work; what about coworkers who have kids—do they get special time off for events; and do people favor (or avoid) certain colors/themes/topics, etc.?

A common unwritten could be that the first person in makes the first pot and the person who takes the last cup of coffee make a new pot. Another could be if someone switches from regular to legal size paper in the copier, switch back to regular for the next person or if someone uses fuchsia paper for a flyer, switch back to white.

People who smoke get more breaks (and they don’t count the time toward a break until they get outside and light up).

Don’t sit in Bonnie’s chair or use Phil’s parking space. These are what I call pew rules. Think of a place of worship—have you ever notice that the same people sit in the same place week after week? Workplaces are loaded with pew-type rules. Parking places, pens, mugs, chairs at a meeting, space usage.

Coworkers with kids have rules—more personal phone calls are often allowed, time off for events, not working on holidays. And guess what, it bugs those without kids—they may have someone at home who is not a child and they are responsible for that need communicating with.

Finding Your Unwritten Rules
Set aside 15 to 30 minutes over the next few days, and just ponder scenarios in your workplace. Identify the different individuals you work with, those in management or supervisory positions and those in senior management, including your CEO. Next, list the women and men you work with directly.

As you identify coworkers, describe their tasks, their personalities, and the interactions you have with them. Does your manager have any idiosyncrasies, mandates, or dictums? Do you have rules regarding days off, break time, interactions, or housekeeping? Are there dos and don’ts that everyone seems to abide by? No matter how minor anything seems, note it.

Ask yourself, “What things do you know not to do, and to do, just because you know it?” How did you learn it? By observing? By someone cluing you in?

Many unwritten rules seem commonsensical, but when the unwritten rules are not followed, they seed discontent. Some rules are sacred cows. Some rules have everyone scratching their heads on why they are in place. A single incident may not seem important, but over a period of time, many small infractions can make life a monstrous hassle. It’s not the written rules (show up, do your job), it’s the unwritten rules that can make or break you and your workplace.

Finally, as you learn the unwritten rules, share them. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if there was a list of what and what not to do to keep everyone out of the hot water?

You can find more on this in my books Zapping Conflict in the Health Care Workplace and Woman to Woman 2000: Becoming Sabotage Savvy in the New Mellennium.